Continued from the previous post: An individual’s self concept that is defined as the ‘sense of me’ is vulnerable to change. Usually partners, over the time they are together, develop shared friends, activities and even sometimes overlapping self-concepts. When ideals, principles or activities of your partner seems good and not come in a way to change your founding concepts and personality, there is no harm in imbibing them with you; but if you find them against your ideologies, just tell them your feelings and even dissuade them in doing them. In doing so, you yourself might change. It is this sense of ‘loosing me’ that hurts one more that leads to emotional distress post break-up.
The way in which the breakup happens also affects one and it shatters the person if the partner is cruel or unfaithful. It makes one unable to trust anyone for a longtime. One has to relieve the existential fear of being alone or else their deepest un-healed issue of ‘no one loves me’ can surface, and for some a plain simple sense of lack of confidence in ‘I am not good enough’ comes alive. So, one has to deal with the distress that should eventually lead to Introspection. I believe that being in distress is good for one as long as it is for a limited duration; for it is in those situations we discover ourselves truly, the mistakes committed and their reasons. One should develop the courage to accept one’s mistakes and faults before throwing the blame on others. This introspection helps us to come out in a new avatar with energy to face any challenge. It eventually make one ready for a new relationship; remember “Anyone can start, but only the thorough bred will finish it successfully.”
There are individuals who cannot deal with this distress and go into oblivion and tend to go into a shell. They fear to enter any new relationship in the future and start to live alone, assuring themselves that they are not fit for it and they had enough of it. Nothing is so firmly believed as what one least knows. So, in order to deal with the distress of a breakup, one needs a very strong support system. A support system includes friends; social meetings, career or physical workout. Just give some time for “Time is a master worker that heals the wounds of temporary defeat, and equalizes the inequalities and rights the wrongs of the world.”
Every situation is an opportunity to heal only if you allow it. Just work on loving yourself and build your self esteem by bringing back to life your Identity, about which I discussed in one of my previous posts. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you. Loving yourself leaves you with no rivals as you indulge in yourself so much that you loose the ability to compare with others.
Also, some may tend to run into a rebound relationship as a source of comfort and a way of temporarily blotting out painful feelings and memories, while some become Gamophobic. It is for this reason, I think that the concept of Marriage is invented that helps one to come out of all the emotional distress and start a new relationship. After all, every notion can change with circumstances and time. It’s just that we have to give it a chance and leave it free so that a durable, indestructible and invulnerable relationship builds up. No feeling is either congenital or posthumous, and change is imminent.
Throw yourself out of the notion that all human beings are alike and all relationships end in the same way. How stupid and irrational it would be to think that all human beings or individuals of opposite sex are the same? The best way out of a difficulty is through it. The greatest glory is not in never falling; but in rising every time we fall. Love, beauty and joy are forever building, tearing down and rebuilding the foundation of each man’s soul.
My advice is, “Get into a Relationship: If you find a good partner, you will be happy; if not, find another one.”
With valuable inputs from Diwakar.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Relationships - I : The Inevitable Expectations
You can find many young people in relationships may be in love or friendship around every corner of your life; almost equal in number are those who broke out of it. An individual enters into a relationship to do way with his/her loneliness, for emotional or moral support or for carnal desires etc. There would be equal number of reasons for breaking-up which vary for each and every relationship. All these human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion and desire. Here I want to mention some of the intricate details of the relationships.
The most important facet of any relationship is “Expectation.” One simply can’t deny that it’s the nature of every ordinary human being to expect something in return for a favour one does. Everyone enters into a relationship expecting some or the other things like trust, faithfulness, love, romance etc. This may not look obvious on the surface but if we analyze properly, we can surely find out our expectations.
You introspect yourself thoroughly to find out your expectations. Each and every individual expects something or the other that vary according to the situations. It would be better if everybody knows their expectations from the relationship (partner) and proceed further only if they are absolutely sure that their expectations are going to be met. The one who actually knows just what one wants in life has already gone a long way towards attaining it. Don’t look for a partner with out faults, for you would find none in this crooked and contaminated world.
Many of you don’t agree that most of the relationships are selfish. We enter into relationships just for mutual benefits and not for charity. I agree that there are very few relationships in which a person does not expect anything from the other, but let’s be human and accept that we are not completely altruistic. You trust your partner or friend and help him/her with complex situations or needs and expect something in return like sympathy or love etc as and when we need it. We take it for granted that the partner would give in those kinds of situations, which doesn’t happen in most of the relationships. So, what if your partner turns his/her back at you? It is at this moment the relationship trembles, which might eventually, leads to a break-up.
Some prolong the relationship with the intention of utilizing the partner as and when needed and stay quite the rest of the time. Even they negotiate and make a compromise to nourish the relationship. I call it “Use and Keep,” it’s different from the much renowned phrase use and throw. This has become a very common phenomenon in many of the present day relationships. No position is life is secure and no relationship is permanent unless built on truth, justice and sincerity. It is also important to note that every person changes with time, in fact some change every moment, which may change one’s expectations, behaviour etc. These changes look tiny but they may turn out to be magnanimous for a relationship to sustain, in a way that these make the partner unable to meet your expectations, ultimately leading to a break-up.
These kinds of break-ups make one think about the need of doing things for others or helping others and the necessity of an eternal relationship. Just a couple more of these kinds of humiliations will make one self-centered, malevolent, greedy and selfish. He/she just gives up the idea of a relationship. Remember that the moment you stop helping others, you die as a Human and loose your status as a citizen of the society.
So, what is the ideal way to make oneself comfortable in any relationship?
“Minimise your Expectations.”
That’s the only best thing as a human; we can do to build a strong relationship and make ourselves comfortable. Even if we make sincere efforts in establishing a relationship, it may fail due to the partner. It leads to distress, agony and also at times to a reduced sense of “me.” Dealing with emotional distress post break-up can be tough. When a relationship ends it brings with it not just the agony of the partition but sometimes may also shatter a person’s self-concept that would be dealt in detail in the next post.
With valuable inputs from Diwakar...
The most important facet of any relationship is “Expectation.” One simply can’t deny that it’s the nature of every ordinary human being to expect something in return for a favour one does. Everyone enters into a relationship expecting some or the other things like trust, faithfulness, love, romance etc. This may not look obvious on the surface but if we analyze properly, we can surely find out our expectations.
You introspect yourself thoroughly to find out your expectations. Each and every individual expects something or the other that vary according to the situations. It would be better if everybody knows their expectations from the relationship (partner) and proceed further only if they are absolutely sure that their expectations are going to be met. The one who actually knows just what one wants in life has already gone a long way towards attaining it. Don’t look for a partner with out faults, for you would find none in this crooked and contaminated world.
Many of you don’t agree that most of the relationships are selfish. We enter into relationships just for mutual benefits and not for charity. I agree that there are very few relationships in which a person does not expect anything from the other, but let’s be human and accept that we are not completely altruistic. You trust your partner or friend and help him/her with complex situations or needs and expect something in return like sympathy or love etc as and when we need it. We take it for granted that the partner would give in those kinds of situations, which doesn’t happen in most of the relationships. So, what if your partner turns his/her back at you? It is at this moment the relationship trembles, which might eventually, leads to a break-up.
Some prolong the relationship with the intention of utilizing the partner as and when needed and stay quite the rest of the time. Even they negotiate and make a compromise to nourish the relationship. I call it “Use and Keep,” it’s different from the much renowned phrase use and throw. This has become a very common phenomenon in many of the present day relationships. No position is life is secure and no relationship is permanent unless built on truth, justice and sincerity. It is also important to note that every person changes with time, in fact some change every moment, which may change one’s expectations, behaviour etc. These changes look tiny but they may turn out to be magnanimous for a relationship to sustain, in a way that these make the partner unable to meet your expectations, ultimately leading to a break-up.
These kinds of break-ups make one think about the need of doing things for others or helping others and the necessity of an eternal relationship. Just a couple more of these kinds of humiliations will make one self-centered, malevolent, greedy and selfish. He/she just gives up the idea of a relationship. Remember that the moment you stop helping others, you die as a Human and loose your status as a citizen of the society.
So, what is the ideal way to make oneself comfortable in any relationship?
“Minimise your Expectations.”
That’s the only best thing as a human; we can do to build a strong relationship and make ourselves comfortable. Even if we make sincere efforts in establishing a relationship, it may fail due to the partner. It leads to distress, agony and also at times to a reduced sense of “me.” Dealing with emotional distress post break-up can be tough. When a relationship ends it brings with it not just the agony of the partition but sometimes may also shatter a person’s self-concept that would be dealt in detail in the next post.
With valuable inputs from Diwakar...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Identity
Ever since we were born, we were given a name by our parents, but how do people remember us? It’s by the name of our parents, that he/she is son/daughter of somebody, and not by one's name. It’s just that some one has to be a reference so that we gain an identity in the society or among our relatives. But, how do you your friends call you? It’s just by your name and nothing else, no parents and nothing in between. It’s from there we start feeling and thinking about individuality. There starts the need for an individual to gain an identity for him/her self. That one of the reasons for which one struggles so hard during the adolescence and the rest of the life as well.
Even if one tries hard to establish a career path for self, one’s profession would be made one’s identity. Even though one finds a place in the society, he is known by his profession rather than anything else that you are actually built and made of. People are of little concern to think of your character and your personality. The mask that we wear at work often becomes our face. We also think the same about others, that he is a doctor, software professional or a businessman etc. Is that the only thing that we are made of? One can find many examples of the atrocious, cruel and wild incidents and tragedies that are committed by people at authoritative positions and who come from well read and brought up families.
Does only our professional success, educational and family backgrounds entirely describe us? If not, then what’s the important thing that makes each one of us different? It’s the fundamental character that makes it all different and what’s this character made of? You don’t require any degree or a well established family to help others, to fight for the society and the environment and most importantly to find yourselves. Even you don’t require them to be happy either!! You need empathy, compassion, determination, sincerity etc, which are the building blocks of your character. It is by this character that you choose your friends.
So, what does this character made up of? How can one say about the character? How can one build a good character? Let me tell you my perspective of character and its identity. Character is the way one reacts to the happenings both involving and surrounding him. It is the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life. It is the source from which self – respect springs. Watch a man do his most common actions, the way he eats, dresses and talks etc; those are indeed the things which will tell you the real character of a great man. Just observe the way one behaves with a less stature human than himself, the way one reacts to the responses of other humans, nature and animals. In western countries, they identify you by your hobbies, and not by your profession. When a westerner asks you, “What do you do?” he expects you to tell him about your hobbies.
Never judge a person by his position, because some rise by evil and some fall by virtue; instead measure the glory of men by the means they had used to acquire it. If you want to know a man’s character, place him in authority. Fidel Castro is the best example, he was a good revolutionist and freedom fighter, but became a ruthless dictator after he became the president of Cuba. The real test of a man’s character is to look at the way one behaves in difficult situations; Adversity reveals and shapes character.
First of all, be sure that Character is not readymade, but it is created bit by bit & day by day. It is a by-product produced in the great manufacture of daily duty. Even one can improve one’s character by observing others; when we see men of contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine us. To know your own character, look at the world. It is your mirror, and your mind is a magnet. What you perceive in the world is largely a reflection of your own attitudes and beliefs, which are the binding principles of your character.
The most important product of your effort in life is your own character. It’s the crown and glory of life. Remember that, character is like a white paper, if once blotted; it can hardly be ever made to as white as before. Don’t measure one on one’s professional success and educational and family backgrounds. Following is a simple way to build your character and your destiny:
Sow a thought, and you reap an act;
Sow an act, and you reap a habit;
Sow a habit, and you reap a character;
Sow a character, and you reap your Destiny.
You have no need to prove to the world what you are, just do what you like and desire, without hurting others and exploiting the nature. That’s better than helping others and all other deeds.
Even if one tries hard to establish a career path for self, one’s profession would be made one’s identity. Even though one finds a place in the society, he is known by his profession rather than anything else that you are actually built and made of. People are of little concern to think of your character and your personality. The mask that we wear at work often becomes our face. We also think the same about others, that he is a doctor, software professional or a businessman etc. Is that the only thing that we are made of? One can find many examples of the atrocious, cruel and wild incidents and tragedies that are committed by people at authoritative positions and who come from well read and brought up families.
Does only our professional success, educational and family backgrounds entirely describe us? If not, then what’s the important thing that makes each one of us different? It’s the fundamental character that makes it all different and what’s this character made of? You don’t require any degree or a well established family to help others, to fight for the society and the environment and most importantly to find yourselves. Even you don’t require them to be happy either!! You need empathy, compassion, determination, sincerity etc, which are the building blocks of your character. It is by this character that you choose your friends.
So, what does this character made up of? How can one say about the character? How can one build a good character? Let me tell you my perspective of character and its identity. Character is the way one reacts to the happenings both involving and surrounding him. It is the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life. It is the source from which self – respect springs. Watch a man do his most common actions, the way he eats, dresses and talks etc; those are indeed the things which will tell you the real character of a great man. Just observe the way one behaves with a less stature human than himself, the way one reacts to the responses of other humans, nature and animals. In western countries, they identify you by your hobbies, and not by your profession. When a westerner asks you, “What do you do?” he expects you to tell him about your hobbies.
Never judge a person by his position, because some rise by evil and some fall by virtue; instead measure the glory of men by the means they had used to acquire it. If you want to know a man’s character, place him in authority. Fidel Castro is the best example, he was a good revolutionist and freedom fighter, but became a ruthless dictator after he became the president of Cuba. The real test of a man’s character is to look at the way one behaves in difficult situations; Adversity reveals and shapes character.
First of all, be sure that Character is not readymade, but it is created bit by bit & day by day. It is a by-product produced in the great manufacture of daily duty. Even one can improve one’s character by observing others; when we see men of contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine us. To know your own character, look at the world. It is your mirror, and your mind is a magnet. What you perceive in the world is largely a reflection of your own attitudes and beliefs, which are the binding principles of your character.
The most important product of your effort in life is your own character. It’s the crown and glory of life. Remember that, character is like a white paper, if once blotted; it can hardly be ever made to as white as before. Don’t measure one on one’s professional success and educational and family backgrounds. Following is a simple way to build your character and your destiny:
Sow a thought, and you reap an act;
Sow an act, and you reap a habit;
Sow a habit, and you reap a character;
Sow a character, and you reap your Destiny.
You have no need to prove to the world what you are, just do what you like and desire, without hurting others and exploiting the nature. That’s better than helping others and all other deeds.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Three Mistakes of My Life
The Three Mistakes of My Life in alphabetical order are
Arrogance
Intimacy
Obsession
Like every human being, I also made mistakes that I myself cant digest. I had committed mistakes with the fears of Loosing my close friends and Inability to keep my own promises
[1] I turned my back at some of the close friends when I am needed the most. I promised one to teach him a subject that I topped during my engineering. But, just before the day of the exam, I did not teach him; even I did not tell him that I couldn't come. All this is to spend some intimate moments with my so called girl friend, ignoring the fact that it was the last chance for him to obtain his degree.
[2] As with any of the colleges, my class also had few love stories, in fact all one-sided. With those come the problems like egoism, possessiveness etc., that make even close friends fight among themselves. So, when one of my close friends planned to trash another one; without dissuading him, I encouraged him to teach the other a lesson. The reason is so stupid that just, I wanted to make him think that girls were not as good as he thought and they are responsible for all this bullshit, so that he would agree with me and ignore the girls; as a friend is another self. I am thankful to him for moving with me as though nothing had ever happened. This arrogance made me loose a good friend.
[3] As one of my close friends came from abroad, I recently planned a get-together of my engineering classmates in Hyderabad. During the same dates, another batch of my friends came to Hyderabad and planned a day out in a resort in the city outskirts, without notifying me. I was obsessed by the moment in hand, forgot and neglected my engineering friends. As with the earlier cases, I didn’t inform my friends regarding the situation; dumbstruck thinking the way they would react at that high moment. At moments, I am a coward, unable to face these kinds of situations in a diplomatic and amiable way; rather I would enjoy the moments at hand to its full extent without thinking of what would happen later. On the whole, it’s a Fiasco.
I am not a dipsomaniac, nor a recluse but a person who lives for pleasure and happiness, a Hedonist. According to me, true friendship is built on mutual trust, non – possessiveness and complete freedom. Friendship is not a responsibility to be fulfilled, but it is an opportunity to move heaven and earth. A true friend should accept all these to enjoy the relationship. Give someone their full freedom, and they won’t abuse it. I am afraid of telling some things to someone as they don’t give me full freedom and insist that I should be with them. A friend is one with whom you dare to be yourself, but I am afraid of loosing them. Friendship is not a give and take policy; it’s a greatest gift given with the arms of unconditional love and acceptance. It is not what the other person can do for you; but what you can do for him that binds him to you.
Everything fades, everyone dies eventually, and nothing is permanent. People die; relationships die and even love dies. That why I say again, set the friends free, they are not yours anyway. One should be liberal and mature enough to understand this. I don’t know the ways to describe my feelings, except a simple quote: “The best way to understand someone is to understand their silence, and then their words; for if you can’t understand their silence, how can you understand their words?” Just think about the reasons for one’s silence, one’s inability to inform about the issues at hand, and then you would get some answers.
Let me make it clear: It’s not that new relationships are more important than the old ones, it’s just that I enjoy the moments with who I am at that instant of time, irrespective of the length of the relationship. If I doesn’t enjoy the present moment, I would look for another way to enjoy. That’s what every one of us does, enjoy the life and I am not a sales person to convince anyone. I opted and decided to live like that. No person is a friend who demands my silence or denies my right to freedom and enjoyment, and anticipates to see me suffer, struggle and retrograde ultimately.
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out;” he shouldn’t be like the gatekeeper looking forward to throw him out of the world.
All the mistakes that I had committed towards my friends and the suffering I had undergone had led me to understand myself much better than ever before, regarding my priorities, my character etc..
Courtesy: Chetan Bhagat, for using his title.
Arrogance
Intimacy
Obsession
Like every human being, I also made mistakes that I myself cant digest. I had committed mistakes with the fears of Loosing my close friends and Inability to keep my own promises
[1] I turned my back at some of the close friends when I am needed the most. I promised one to teach him a subject that I topped during my engineering. But, just before the day of the exam, I did not teach him; even I did not tell him that I couldn't come. All this is to spend some intimate moments with my so called girl friend, ignoring the fact that it was the last chance for him to obtain his degree.
[2] As with any of the colleges, my class also had few love stories, in fact all one-sided. With those come the problems like egoism, possessiveness etc., that make even close friends fight among themselves. So, when one of my close friends planned to trash another one; without dissuading him, I encouraged him to teach the other a lesson. The reason is so stupid that just, I wanted to make him think that girls were not as good as he thought and they are responsible for all this bullshit, so that he would agree with me and ignore the girls; as a friend is another self. I am thankful to him for moving with me as though nothing had ever happened. This arrogance made me loose a good friend.
[3] As one of my close friends came from abroad, I recently planned a get-together of my engineering classmates in Hyderabad. During the same dates, another batch of my friends came to Hyderabad and planned a day out in a resort in the city outskirts, without notifying me. I was obsessed by the moment in hand, forgot and neglected my engineering friends. As with the earlier cases, I didn’t inform my friends regarding the situation; dumbstruck thinking the way they would react at that high moment. At moments, I am a coward, unable to face these kinds of situations in a diplomatic and amiable way; rather I would enjoy the moments at hand to its full extent without thinking of what would happen later. On the whole, it’s a Fiasco.
I am not a dipsomaniac, nor a recluse but a person who lives for pleasure and happiness, a Hedonist. According to me, true friendship is built on mutual trust, non – possessiveness and complete freedom. Friendship is not a responsibility to be fulfilled, but it is an opportunity to move heaven and earth. A true friend should accept all these to enjoy the relationship. Give someone their full freedom, and they won’t abuse it. I am afraid of telling some things to someone as they don’t give me full freedom and insist that I should be with them. A friend is one with whom you dare to be yourself, but I am afraid of loosing them. Friendship is not a give and take policy; it’s a greatest gift given with the arms of unconditional love and acceptance. It is not what the other person can do for you; but what you can do for him that binds him to you.
Everything fades, everyone dies eventually, and nothing is permanent. People die; relationships die and even love dies. That why I say again, set the friends free, they are not yours anyway. One should be liberal and mature enough to understand this. I don’t know the ways to describe my feelings, except a simple quote: “The best way to understand someone is to understand their silence, and then their words; for if you can’t understand their silence, how can you understand their words?” Just think about the reasons for one’s silence, one’s inability to inform about the issues at hand, and then you would get some answers.
Let me make it clear: It’s not that new relationships are more important than the old ones, it’s just that I enjoy the moments with who I am at that instant of time, irrespective of the length of the relationship. If I doesn’t enjoy the present moment, I would look for another way to enjoy. That’s what every one of us does, enjoy the life and I am not a sales person to convince anyone. I opted and decided to live like that. No person is a friend who demands my silence or denies my right to freedom and enjoyment, and anticipates to see me suffer, struggle and retrograde ultimately.
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out;” he shouldn’t be like the gatekeeper looking forward to throw him out of the world.
All the mistakes that I had committed towards my friends and the suffering I had undergone had led me to understand myself much better than ever before, regarding my priorities, my character etc..
Courtesy: Chetan Bhagat, for using his title.
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